Stress and MS does not for good bed fellows make...

When watching Forrest Gump he stated "My Momma always told me 'Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know whatcha ya gonna git...'" Well, that dear Forrest is an understatement!!! Life can throw you a bunch of curve balls that cause you all kinds of stress... God blesses you with 4 beautiful children that you hope and pray will grow up normal, healthy, and wise... Only to find out when one is 4 she will never be "normal" and one has all kinds of behavioral issues - his choices seem to be the worse possible choices EVER... ALL of which cause you stress... Then of course there are the normal every day operating procedures of Life - bills, lay offs, bills, new job, not enough money, bills, household appliance break downs, over due bills, health issues, more over due bills... UGH, it never ends... It seems like the more we try to get ahead the further we fall behind due to one reason or another... Okay, this deserves further explanation... Lets start with the son with behavioral issues - STRESS!!!

My son at 17 got a young lady pregnant... Accepting responsibility for his child, he married the girl with my "blessings" - well, under extreme pressure from them both... They kept pressuring me to sign the papers for them to get married, so I did... Allowed this girl to move into OUR home... Dealt with her disrespecting me by not helping out around the house or by keeping their room clean... I dealt with all the BS of her turning off my son's alarm clock so he was not up and getting ready for school... I dealt with his disrespecting me about going to school and having 4 - YES 4 tobacco in school charges against him... I dealt with him telling me I had no right to discipline him for his bad behavior, disrespect, and not helping out with chores...

*** Note: This blog was started a few months ago... Now that Micheal has committed suicide this blog seems like a mute point to make, but I am going to post it anyway... Maybe it will help me to make some sense of why he decided to commit suicide... I don't think anything will ever help me to make sense of it... Micheal was my most difficult child behaviorally, but he was also a blessing... He was special... Maybe I took him for granted... Maybe I did try to change his behavior, but that is a parent's job; isn't it??? I did love my Micheal, with all my heart... Just like his brother and his sisters... I love them each in their own special way... Each of my children are my favorite for their own special reason... Micheal was my favorite because he had a heart of gold and took my teaching of the "Golden Rule" to heart and lived by it 110%... I don't think I will ever understand why, but maybe my blogging will help someone else...

Forgive me if my blogs are not of my life with MS for a while and now concentrate on this subject for a while... But I am using this as a tool to help me - personally - cope with what has happened... Maybe I can help someone else as well in the meantime...

Hugs <3

Life is sometimes WAY too SHORT...

My handsome Baby Boy Mikey

Mikey and Angie (Big Bro and Baby Sis)

Mikey, Shoni, and Lilly

It has been quite a while since I have felt like blogging... I have been through alot in the past several months... From fighting with the handsome young man you see at the top of this blog, to having to say a final good bye to him... It isn't quite fair when a mother has to kiss her beautiful baby boy's cold cheek, knowing that she will never be able to look into his gorgeous blue eyes ever again or hold his hand through a tough time in his life... That she is left wondering why he decided 6 days before his 18th birthday that life just was not worth living any more when he had so much to live for... Like his baby sister... His baby girl Lilly... His wife... Not to mention the rest of us here that love him....

In 15 short days, Mikey will be gone 2 months... It doesn't seem possible... I sit here thinking that it is all just a really bad dream... I remember his funeral, but just keep hoping that it was that bad dream... I keep thinking about that day and the words come out like a poem...

It scares me to think how short life can be...
I think back of the day you came to me...
As I stand here, you're so cold and so still...
So different from that day in September's chill...
I want to cry, I want to scream!!!
This has to be a dream!!!
You can't be gone, you can't be dead!!!
This is a mother's worst fear, her worst dread!!!
My baby, my son, my love so true...
Your lips through the make-up, I see are so blue...
My heart you had stolen that day you were born...
My heart now forever will be broken and torn...
For your sisters and brother I will remain strong
But for you,FOREVER grieving, I know is not wrong
I love you my Micheal, my son and my friend...
A heart of Gold for all you had until the end...
You loved so honest, so pure and so true...
Not for just one, but for all that you knew...
The world is a colder, darker place without you here...
We will have to muddle through keeping your memory near...
I pray God keeps you safe in his loving arms...
Until we meet again in Heaven's splendor's and charms...

No words can heal my heart... Nothing can make me not feel this pain... I see his face everywhere I turn... I even bought him a Christmas present, not thinking of course... Because I got the girls something and saw one that I knew he would like, I just bought it... It was like, "What the hell were you thinking? Mikey is gone! He's dead... You can't send him Christmas gifts where he is at now! How dumb can you be?" This of course was after I had gotten it home... Of course it was on sale and I can't take it back... Thank God, it is something I can give to someone else instead... It isn't like it has his name on it and it can't be given out to another person... That is one good thing about it...

Life is a fog... I am so lost... I have to keep going, but I feel like I just can't some days... It gets hard to breathe sometimes... Not to mention what it has done to my physical health... UGH, will life ever get back to normal??? My MS has been flaring up really bad lately... I have been meditating, but it doesn't help... Nothing helps... I guess that is what happens when all you can do is sit and stew over the reason why your son took his own life... Even when you try not to think about it, the questions pop up in your head... What could I have done differently??? Why didn't he call or text me??? What was going on that he did this??? Why??? WHY??? WHAT IF??? UGH.......................................................