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| My handsome Baby Boy Mikey |
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| Mikey and Angie (Big Bro and Baby Sis) |
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| Mikey, Shoni, and Lilly |
In 15 short days, Mikey will be gone 2 months... It doesn't seem possible... I sit here thinking that it is all just a really bad dream... I remember his funeral, but just keep hoping that it was that bad dream... I keep thinking about that day and the words come out like a poem...
It scares me to think how short life can be...
I think back of the day you came to me...
As I stand here, you're so cold and so still...
So different from that day in September's chill...
I want to cry, I want to scream!!!
This has to be a dream!!!
You can't be gone, you can't be dead!!!
This is a mother's worst fear, her worst dread!!!
My baby, my son, my love so true...
Your lips through the make-up, I see are so blue...
My heart you had stolen that day you were born...
My heart now forever will be broken and torn...
For your sisters and brother I will remain strong
But for you,FOREVER grieving, I know is not wrong
I love you my Micheal, my son and my friend...
A heart of Gold for all you had until the end...
You loved so honest, so pure and so true...
Not for just one, but for all that you knew...
The world is a colder, darker place without you here...
We will have to muddle through keeping your memory near...
I pray God keeps you safe in his loving arms...
Until we meet again in Heaven's splendor's and charms...
No words can heal my heart... Nothing can make me not feel this pain... I see his face everywhere I turn... I even bought him a Christmas present, not thinking of course... Because I got the girls something and saw one that I knew he would like, I just bought it... It was like, "What the hell were you thinking? Mikey is gone! He's dead... You can't send him Christmas gifts where he is at now! How dumb can you be?" This of course was after I had gotten it home... Of course it was on sale and I can't take it back... Thank God, it is something I can give to someone else instead... It isn't like it has his name on it and it can't be given out to another person... That is one good thing about it...
Life is a fog... I am so lost... I have to keep going, but I feel like I just can't some days... It gets hard to breathe sometimes... Not to mention what it has done to my physical health... UGH, will life ever get back to normal??? My MS has been flaring up really bad lately... I have been meditating, but it doesn't help... Nothing helps... I guess that is what happens when all you can do is sit and stew over the reason why your son took his own life... Even when you try not to think about it, the questions pop up in your head... What could I have done differently??? Why didn't he call or text me??? What was going on that he did this??? Why??? WHY??? WHAT IF??? UGH.......................................................
That just breaks my heart Jennifer. I'm so sorry that you have to also bear this weight on top of MS. I can never be in your shoes and fully understand the suffering and pain you're going through however, I understand partially...my younger brother took his own life some 15 years ago. The memories have remained the pain, emptiness and sorrow have finally gone. Dale left no note gave no indication other than a strange peace which came upon him when he'd secretly worked out his plan to defeat border-line schitzophrenia and manic-depression. What we all found (our family) was that playing the blame game and agonizing over the; "what ifs" does no favours to ourselves or to Dale's memory.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you at this time. Steve
Thank you Steve for your sincere condolences... Ya know, the MS thing I handled with what my neurologist called "Great calm and weird acceptance." He has never given anyone such "bad news" and had them take it the way I did... He was taken aback when I just looked at him and stated "Well, that's wonderful! So, where do we go from here? What is our plan of attack? How are WE going to kick this thing in the ass and beat it before it gets too good of a hold on me???" Then laughed and told him and my husband at the same time "See!!! I TOLD Y'all I wasn't losing my damn mind!!! I told y'all I wasn't a hypochondriac!!! I TOLD Y'ALL there WAS SOMETHING WRONG with my body and I WAS NOT just going NUTS!!!" That got both of them laughing... I thought my neurologist was going to fall off his stool!!! "It's only part of the human condition... We all are born, we all get older, we all get sick, some of us get serious diseases, and WE ALL DIE!!! It's just a fact of life... It's all part of the human condition - that means I am NOT an Alien (U.F.O. -E.T. ya know)..." That's when he had to stand up because he was laughing so hard... "Jen, I must say, YOU have one of the most positive outlooks on this... None of my other patients have EVER said anything remotely similar to that... Thank you for making my job easier today!!!" Then we devised my "plan of attack" and waged full out WAR on My RRMS!
ReplyDeleteHowever, with my son, I have still remained kind of calm... My daughter needs me - so I remain tough as nails for her sake... I have too... Look at her angelic face... The girl with the big black dog... That's my Angelia... I CAN NOT bare to lose her too... I have to be strong and stable for her when she needs me... The kids in her school are such - UGH, a nice way to put it is disrespectful, inconsiderate, uncompassionate, unfeeling, unsympathetic JACK-WAGONS!!! Hows that??? Paint an accurate enough picture for ya to explain how they have been treating my poor little Angel??? She is as sweet as the day is long... She sticks up for others, treats EVERYONE the way she wants to be treated, and tries very hard to share her smile with everyone she meets everyday... She turns the other cheek and give second chances when people don't deserve it... She has a heart of gold... An Angel on earth in human form given to me - a true blessing from above... But cross her when it comes to her friends or an injustice (like racism or prejudice of some other sort) watch out... She isn't afraid to speak her mind to ya!!!
It is supposed to be the other way around... I have to remember not to let the "what if's" and the "why not's" get me down... I just have to remember the kind of kid Mikey was - Angie and him were a lot alike... Thats why I always said they were my twins born 11 months apart... That and how close they were... I count my blessings every morning, no matter how big or how small... Then I thank God for them all...