The Beginning of a New World...

Ten months... WOW! Has life been a roller coaster ride... I mean, Life is always a roller coaster ride, IF one really stops and analyzes every twist and turn it takes... One minute I am a mother of four beautiful children, the next I am kissing my baby boy's cheek for the last time... One minute we are working with the bank to have our mortgage lowered to one we can afford, as I am unable to work and collecting SSD & SSI (only half the time because of John's income)... The next we are being forced to "Short Sale" our home in lieu of foreclosure; all thanks to Wells Fargo messing around losing paperwork and doing what they do best "setting people up to fail!" One minute in this ten month period, I am a grandmother of two, the next I have three... I am only able to see the two by my eldest son because My granddaughter by my deceased son, for some unknown reason I am not allowed to see... One minute my baby girl is a just senior in high school and the next we are preparing for her graduation... One minute my husband is cruising along, minding his own business, doing his job diligently, shoveling the steps at work... The next he is on his butt, hurting, having to go to the doctor, the neurosurgeon, and having to have back surgery... UGH!

Not complaining, because We can handle this all as a family unit... All this you would think would make a family crazy... It almost did drive my husband crazy, but I had to get stern with him and remind him "A House does not a HOME make... It is the PEOPLE inside it that makes the House a HOME!!!" I also had to remind him that I am not one of THOSE women who is going to "jump ship" just because times are tough... When times get TOUGH, the TOUGH get TOUGHER!!! I am here with him for the long haul... I didn't say my wedding vows for the fun of it... I took them to heart... When I stated "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death us do part..." I meant it with ALL my HEART and SOUL!!! Besides my babies that I carried in MY BODY for 9 months, He is the only other person in this world that I would devote my life to - besides God; but he isn't a person, he is a Spiritual entity...

With Angie going to graduate soon, I am beginning to feel that empty nest syndrome... Even though when she spends the night somewhere else, she can not sleep and is miserable... In August she will be 18 years old, I can not hold her to her word that she will always want to stay with us... Eventually she will want to spread her wings and fly... I am willing to allow her to do so... I have been preparing for this day for a long time now, but I still get that empty feeling inside at the thought of it... She did a report in school about MS which scared her... I don't want that fear to tether her here with her Dad and I. I want nothing more for my baby girl than to be happy, to spread her beautiful wings, and FLY... She deserves nothing but the BEST out of this life... Out of all the turmoil we have suffered through as a family, the fight through the depression of losing her beloved brother Micheal, and all the other crap she has dealt with - with Such maturity, I can only pray that my beautiful little Angel knows just how PROUD I/ WE are of her! That we only want the extreme best for her as she deserves it - more so than ANY OTHER kid her age I know!!!

Our Angelia, as perfect of a daughter anyone could ask for... Granted she has had her times, but you couldn't want for a better child than her... She has completed 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade classes that she needed to graduate in 2 years!!! Yes, I said 2 (TWO) YEARS!!! She had an after-school job working on a horse ranch; which she loves immensely! Learning how to ride, train, birth, and breed horses... She may have had boyfriends throughout this period of time, but she was a good girl; keeping that preverbal aspirin between her knees... She knows what she wants... Her goals firmly ingrained in her mind... She clung to them like they are the most precious things in the world (her goals)... Knowing full well, one false step can throw all her goals and dreams fervently right out the window... No drugs, No smoking, No drinking underage, no sexual explorations, nothing but school, work, home, and just having fun being a "goodie two-shoes" teen-ager... At least I am thankful for one thing, She may be a "goodie two-shoes" teen-ager, but she does have good friends... She has made the right choices... We must have done something right with her like her elder sister... She is at the threshold of a bright and wonderful New World... One of a Young beautiful responsible adult with goals and dreams that she is more than capable of accomplishing!!! Her Daddy and "Momma Mia" will be standing right behind her offering her all the support and guidance she needs to remain the confident young lady we raised to obtain those goals and dreams...

Even though this New World will be different, change can be a good thing... John and I will be okay... I know that... We have each other... We have Krissy; who has disabilities of her own and can not move out on her own without support... That in itself is a whole other story...

Stress and MS does not for good bed fellows make...

When watching Forrest Gump he stated "My Momma always told me 'Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know whatcha ya gonna git...'" Well, that dear Forrest is an understatement!!! Life can throw you a bunch of curve balls that cause you all kinds of stress... God blesses you with 4 beautiful children that you hope and pray will grow up normal, healthy, and wise... Only to find out when one is 4 she will never be "normal" and one has all kinds of behavioral issues - his choices seem to be the worse possible choices EVER... ALL of which cause you stress... Then of course there are the normal every day operating procedures of Life - bills, lay offs, bills, new job, not enough money, bills, household appliance break downs, over due bills, health issues, more over due bills... UGH, it never ends... It seems like the more we try to get ahead the further we fall behind due to one reason or another... Okay, this deserves further explanation... Lets start with the son with behavioral issues - STRESS!!!

My son at 17 got a young lady pregnant... Accepting responsibility for his child, he married the girl with my "blessings" - well, under extreme pressure from them both... They kept pressuring me to sign the papers for them to get married, so I did... Allowed this girl to move into OUR home... Dealt with her disrespecting me by not helping out around the house or by keeping their room clean... I dealt with all the BS of her turning off my son's alarm clock so he was not up and getting ready for school... I dealt with his disrespecting me about going to school and having 4 - YES 4 tobacco in school charges against him... I dealt with him telling me I had no right to discipline him for his bad behavior, disrespect, and not helping out with chores...

*** Note: This blog was started a few months ago... Now that Micheal has committed suicide this blog seems like a mute point to make, but I am going to post it anyway... Maybe it will help me to make some sense of why he decided to commit suicide... I don't think anything will ever help me to make sense of it... Micheal was my most difficult child behaviorally, but he was also a blessing... He was special... Maybe I took him for granted... Maybe I did try to change his behavior, but that is a parent's job; isn't it??? I did love my Micheal, with all my heart... Just like his brother and his sisters... I love them each in their own special way... Each of my children are my favorite for their own special reason... Micheal was my favorite because he had a heart of gold and took my teaching of the "Golden Rule" to heart and lived by it 110%... I don't think I will ever understand why, but maybe my blogging will help someone else...

Forgive me if my blogs are not of my life with MS for a while and now concentrate on this subject for a while... But I am using this as a tool to help me - personally - cope with what has happened... Maybe I can help someone else as well in the meantime...

Hugs <3

Life is sometimes WAY too SHORT...

My handsome Baby Boy Mikey

Mikey and Angie (Big Bro and Baby Sis)

Mikey, Shoni, and Lilly

It has been quite a while since I have felt like blogging... I have been through alot in the past several months... From fighting with the handsome young man you see at the top of this blog, to having to say a final good bye to him... It isn't quite fair when a mother has to kiss her beautiful baby boy's cold cheek, knowing that she will never be able to look into his gorgeous blue eyes ever again or hold his hand through a tough time in his life... That she is left wondering why he decided 6 days before his 18th birthday that life just was not worth living any more when he had so much to live for... Like his baby sister... His baby girl Lilly... His wife... Not to mention the rest of us here that love him....

In 15 short days, Mikey will be gone 2 months... It doesn't seem possible... I sit here thinking that it is all just a really bad dream... I remember his funeral, but just keep hoping that it was that bad dream... I keep thinking about that day and the words come out like a poem...

It scares me to think how short life can be...
I think back of the day you came to me...
As I stand here, you're so cold and so still...
So different from that day in September's chill...
I want to cry, I want to scream!!!
This has to be a dream!!!
You can't be gone, you can't be dead!!!
This is a mother's worst fear, her worst dread!!!
My baby, my son, my love so true...
Your lips through the make-up, I see are so blue...
My heart you had stolen that day you were born...
My heart now forever will be broken and torn...
For your sisters and brother I will remain strong
But for you,FOREVER grieving, I know is not wrong
I love you my Micheal, my son and my friend...
A heart of Gold for all you had until the end...
You loved so honest, so pure and so true...
Not for just one, but for all that you knew...
The world is a colder, darker place without you here...
We will have to muddle through keeping your memory near...
I pray God keeps you safe in his loving arms...
Until we meet again in Heaven's splendor's and charms...

No words can heal my heart... Nothing can make me not feel this pain... I see his face everywhere I turn... I even bought him a Christmas present, not thinking of course... Because I got the girls something and saw one that I knew he would like, I just bought it... It was like, "What the hell were you thinking? Mikey is gone! He's dead... You can't send him Christmas gifts where he is at now! How dumb can you be?" This of course was after I had gotten it home... Of course it was on sale and I can't take it back... Thank God, it is something I can give to someone else instead... It isn't like it has his name on it and it can't be given out to another person... That is one good thing about it...

Life is a fog... I am so lost... I have to keep going, but I feel like I just can't some days... It gets hard to breathe sometimes... Not to mention what it has done to my physical health... UGH, will life ever get back to normal??? My MS has been flaring up really bad lately... I have been meditating, but it doesn't help... Nothing helps... I guess that is what happens when all you can do is sit and stew over the reason why your son took his own life... Even when you try not to think about it, the questions pop up in your head... What could I have done differently??? Why didn't he call or text me??? What was going on that he did this??? Why??? WHY??? WHAT IF??? UGH.......................................................

Bradford County Man Wanted For Kidnapping And Assault

Bradford County Man Wanted For Kidnapping And Assault Would make it easier if they posted a picture of the person he kidnapped as well, but please if you are in this area and you see this person CALL 911!!! Tell them all the information you can gather about him... Location you have seen him... Direction of travel... Type of vehicle he is in... License plate number if you can get it... BUT PLEASE, Do not try and be a hero - HE IS SUSPECTED to be ARMED AND DANGEROUS... DO NOT TRY AND APPREHEND yourself or follow to a residence... he may try and shoot you... Thank you for your help!!!

A Badge of Honor??? Rated PG-13

It never ceases to amaze me each day I wake up, I thank God I am still able to stretch my legs and walk on my own accord, BUT I find I am experiencing more and more symptoms of MS... I don't know whether to call these symptoms "a badge of Honor" or what...

I am using my blog to chronicle my experiences with MS symptoms, as a means to keep it all in check... We all know how MS affects our memory and cognitive functions on a daily basis - some days our recollection is good, other days not so good ~ some days we can remember that we are suffering this symptom, other days we have a hard time remembering what we ate for breakfast - and find it best to write stuff down... I find that sharing my experiences with others that have MS - some that have been recently diagnosed - may help them through hard times as I try and put a bit of a humorous spin on things... YEAH, I find that humor makes this journey a bit more of an easier pill to swallow... Otherwise, I may just turn into a bitter old bitch that just decides to give up on life!!! And - excuse my language for a second - FUCK that!!! I got too much to live for to let this damn disease beat me!!! So, my dear beloved MSer friends, I pray that my chronicles help you through a tough spot in life... I may swear like a sailor and curse like a soldier once in a blue moon, BUT I promise to keep my blog mostly Rated G and for the most part PG-13 at least... Not much Rated R stuff... Only once in a while... But I will for warn you first...

Anyway... My newest development is the B & B stuff everyone is always talking about... Yeah, it hit ME now... If I don't make a MAD DASH for the potty room, I have an accident... Yesterday afternoon, I didn't even know I had to go - until it was already coming out... I was running for the bathroom!!! Good thing we have a "potty room" down stairs and I had clothing on the dryer - OTHERWISE I would have been HUMILIATED!!! I haven't had an accident since I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Angelia - my youngest daughter - and she was laying directly on my bladder KICKING IT!!! It's bad enough in the mornings I have to have my husband help me out of bed IF I was dumb enough to lay on my back during the night and stay there... IF I do that, my legs just won't work because my back spasms and seizes up my legs... It's a rather new development as well... Now with my neck issues due to falling out of bed, well that is just icing on the cake isn't it??? I actually have to roll out of bed in the morning - praying I can make it to the bathroom!!! I wake up about 4 times a night - running to the bathroom... This is something I NEVER did, unless of course I was 6 - 9 months pregnant...

Then the other "B" - OMGosh... Where does it ALL come from??? I do NOT eat THAT much!!! I mean REALLY??? How in the HELL can a person S.H.I.T. this much??? I mean really 4 to 9 times a day when a person only eats maybe 2 meals a day - if she's lucky... I only eat when MY body tells me I am HUNGRY - other wise I get SICK - nauseous sick - and feel all kinds of bloated like my stomach is going to blow up... So really, where does "IT" all come from??? And why is "IT" so watery??? Wait, the watery part I understand... It's because I drink so much fluids... But, really, Really, REALLY??? Come on... Does anyone else experience this??? If I am not making the "MAD DASH" to the potty room for the "#1 B" I am making the "MAD DASH" for the "#2 B" it is infuriating!!! I can barely "contain" myself when I make those "mad dashes" to the potty room... It drives me absolutely crazy! I just don't understand why it is happening to me now...

I am starting to have other symptoms that are confusing me too... I mean I have been taking my Avonex therapy right along religiously... I take my medications - Religiously... I have been a good girl so I don't understand all of this... Is it normal for an individual who is on a MS therapy medication like Avonex to start having more symptoms? I thank God that I am going to see my neurologist on the 31st because this is all things I need to discuss with him I am thinking... I just do not understand why this is happening all of a sudden... Well, not all of a sudden... It has been over the last 3 or 4 months I'd say... It is quite infuriating when a person is used to being quite independent then having to rely on people...

 My poor sweet husband, God bless his gentle soul, gets up at 5:30 am, works all day, then comes home and waits on me hand and foot... It isn't fair to him - at least I don't think so... On his days off, he does our laundry, washes our sheets and remakes our bed, cleans our room, and does things around the house that I used to be able to do... This so isn't fair to him... Lord knows I try, but I just can't... I feel so bad, but what can I do... He WILL NOT allow me to do these things any more... He knows if I try, I will be down on the couch not able to move for 3 days or more... I do help fold our clothes, but I can't make our bed... He is ALWAYS after our daughters to help keep the house clean, but they do not understand HOW important it is... They do not understand IF the kitchen is NOT clean I can get deathly sick... So, I go behind them and clean it - or should I say TRY and clean it... My oldest daughter I can kind of understand her, she has Asperger's syndrome - which is on the higher end of Autism - but we have been working with her FOREVER so she she be used to it... My youngest daughter (who is 17) THERE IS NO EXCUSE for her except LAZINESS or teen-aged angst "know it all" bull-crap... So of course Mom suffers... There is always some excuse for their behavior and of course I do not want to deal with the stress so I just let it go... So I deal with my allergies acting up because the house isn't as clean as it should be - like I would have it IF I could keep it clean like I USED TO... I clean what I can when I can, IF I can... I deal with getting scolded like a child by my husband because I did something I shouldn't have and made myself hurt... Oh well, it has to get done Right??? IF I waited for the girls to do it, HELL would freeze over first... So I will bust my butt and make my muscles spasm IF I have to... The girls can go with out their cell phone time, if they can't help me out!!! To hell with them!!! IF YOU want something from ME, darn it YOU HAVE TO EARN IT!!! and to HELL with them IF they don't like it!!!

So is MS a badge of Honor??? I think so... Ya wanna know why??? Because no matter what, we were this disease like a soldier wears his uniform - WITH PRIDE... We do what is necessary to make it through our day... We strive to make it to the potty room with dignity - when at all possible... We PRIDE ourselves on what ever we can do BY OURSELVES... SO my dearest friends, IS MS a badge of honor - I say DAMN STRAIGHT it is!!! Anything you can do independently as long as you can IS a BADGE OF HONOR!!! When you think of it that way, well, it doesn't seem that bad does it??? Maybe I am just overly positive today - even with all the negative going on in the last several months... However, I tend to try and look for the positive over the negative otherwise - like I said in the beginning - I would be ONE bitter Bitch!!! I REALLY do not want to turn out that way!!!

Hugs and Smiles sent out to all of you my dear MS friends :)

FDA Issues Warning On Unproven MS Treatment

FDA Issues Warning On Unproven MS Treatment I thought this was something important for all of my dear and treasured MSer friends... PLEASE read this if you are even considering Liberation Therapy or a Liberation Procedure... I think you may reconsider... Hugs my friends... I love you all even though we haven't met... We all suffer from the same disease in one form or another... PLEASE READ THIS...

OMGosh WTF??? I Fell Out of Bed!!!

     Yep, that's just what I said... I fell out of bed Thursday night... I was sound asleep and I do mean SOUND ASLEEP when PLOP right on my aspirin bottom I went... I don't know why or how, but off onto the floor with a huge Kerplop I went!!! Surprise Surprise!!! I was stunned!!! I screamed for my husband John to wake up and help me get back up into bed... He was just as stunned as I was... He thought he had kicked me out of bed and could do nothing but apologize to me for doing so... I had to tell him that he wasn't the one who did it, I just fell... I didn't know what the hell happened... I was sleeping one minute and the next thing I knew I was on the floor and IT REALLY F**KING HURTS!!! I was laughing and crying at the same time... Laughing because it was actually funny that a 42 year old woman ACTUALLY fell out of bed like a 4 year old child... Crying because it HURT LIKE HELL!!! My WHOLE left side ached like all get out, but I was TOO tired and TOO groggy to want to go to the hospital to get checked out... In the morning, I didn't think anything of the fall... I just carried on as usual... I got dressed, put on some eye liner and mascara, and did my hair so I looked presentable when I took our dog Bear to Angie's school for her presentation on Chow's... BUT as the day progressed, I started feeling worse and worse... The pain was getting unbearable... Nothing I did was making it go away... I took some Ibuprofen, but I was still in a lot of pain... I did some meditation - YEAH NO, that didn't help... So, it was time that I buckled down, swallowed my pride, and went to the hospital to get evaluated... My neck hurt, my left shoulder hurt, my left elbow hurt, my left wrist hurt and was swollen, my left hip and knee hurt, and my tail bone hurt... John agreed it was time to be evaluated by medical professional and since I couldn't get into see my family doctor - plus I would be sent to the ER for x-rays anyway, it was best to just go to the ER...

     So off to the ER we went... I gave them the down low of my health history - previous surgeries, meds list, the whole nine... Even though I told them first and foremost that I had discs removed out of my neck and that my neck hurt really bad, the only thing they x-rayed or were only really concerned with was my wrist... Now my neck is still really bugging me causing both my arms and hands to be spastic and pins & needlely and my shoulders to hurt BOTH of them... In between my shoulders hurt so I think I jarred my neck really bad... Seeing that I am missing discs in my neck it made the fall from my bed even worse on me I think... I was told any sudden jar could cause issues with my neck and the ER doc didn't even seem concerned with it... Thank God I have an appointment with my neurologist on the 31st... He will certainly be concerned with it... He will not be very happy that they were not more concerned about my neck... My neurologist is a God send when it comes to my health... He is more like a father figure, I dare say, because he is quite anal when it comes to my care - any of his patients care... That is what makes him an excellent doctor - He actually cares about his patients!!! He takes time with them... I mean really, how many neurologists actually give their patients their personal cell phone number to use when ever they need it??? NONE that I know of - well except for MINE!!! Yeah, that's right Y'all, be jealous!!! I have the BEST neurologist in the whole damn COUNTRY!!! Just kidding... I am sure there are other good neurologists in the country, but I know I have one of the best... I know for a fact there isn't many doctor's that would give their personal cell phone number to their patients to use at anytime if they needed them, if at all any in fact... Dr. Britton is the first one I have ever come across...

     So here I sit, three days later... My whole left side still hurts including my ass-bone... Crazy isn't it??? I still don't know what happened... Yesterday I slept the whole day away - for the most part - because of my Avonex shot on Friday night... I am grateful for that... I didn't feel too much pain because of having the bed to myself the whole day... That and I was flipping around for the most part from the head of the bed to the foot of the bed - on and off of my right side... My family kept coming in my bedroom checking on me periodically during the day; either making me eat, making sure I took my meds, or just checking to see if I needed anything, so I would flip around... Gotta love my family though, at least they care enough to make sure I am okay during the day when I am "sick" because of my shot... It surprised them, I am usually down stairs by 11:30 - 12:00 noon on my shot days... But for some strange reason, yesterday I was down all day... Must be my body trying to heal from the fall... I don't know... I do know it was a strange day for both me and my family... I feel better today, still sore, but better... My neck still hurts like hell causing me issues with my hands and arms - muscle spasticisticy, but like I said I have that appointment with Dr. Britton on the 31st... It has taken me almost an hour to compose this blog - crazy as it may seem - because my neck has caused my arms and hands to spasm so I have to take many breaks... Oh well, such as life with MS right??? I suppose so... It's a crazy way to have to live, but it's the way we have to, huh??? Oh well... Grin and bear it... Suck it up buttercup... What ever other slang definitive you want to use... I guess that is what I have to do...

     It's one of those times when I would just like to scream in someone's face, "Ya know what, I HAVE MS! It's kind of hard to just suck it up and deal with it... I deal with pain every damn day of my miserable fucking life!!! Why in the hell should I have to deal with pain caused by my falling out of bed!!! Do your damn job man and figure out what the hell is wrong with me... It's more than just bumps and bruises, sprains and strains... I really messed up my neck!!!" But of course, I am too nice of a person to do such a thing... Maybe I shouldn't be so nice... I should scream in these peoples faces!!! I mean really, it is their jobs... But, my neurologist will take care of it... Okay, so my life isn't as miserable as I am making it out to be... Just like most of you MSers out there I have my ups and my downs, my good days and my bad days... We are all entitled to have a day or two where we feel sorry for ourselves - or want to scream at the world... I don't feel sorry for myself,  per say, but I am kind of mad that people who are supposed to be medical professional do not pay attention when you tell them what is wrong with you... So now I have to wait to see my neurologist because there is no way in hell I am going to go back to the ER, not just to be told that I am just battered and bruised, strained and sprained when I know something else is wrong... EVEN if it means a trip into the dreaded MRI machine again - UH OH, good loopy drugs!!! YAY!!! NOT!!! LOL... So I am venting to all my MS friends who totally understand where I am coming from... I will just keep on smiling because that is all I can do...

Hugs and Smiles to all <3 :)